Okay.  It’s time.

Say you have kids, right?  And your kids grow up.  You love them, and nurture them, and they become good people and get married, have jobs, have kids.  Yadda yadda.

When your kids have kids, don’t you go visit them?

Do any of my readers find it really, really odd that my mother has STILL not come to meet her grandson?  That she continually asks me when I’m going to bring him up to Canada, as though that would be easier than her coming here?

I’m writing about this for the first time, because it’s been bothering me for – well, 5 months now.  Here goes.

Mom, you didn’t come for my delivery even though I wanted you there.  You didn’t come for the days and weeks after Ronan was born even though I needed you there.  And even though it breaks my heart that you don’t seem to have the desire to come here and visit, you always act like it’s no big deal.  I wish you could see how often I cry about it.  I wish you understood how awful it makes me feel that we seem to matter so little to you.  Every time you mention how amazing Skype is because it feels like you’re here – you’re wrong.  It DOESN’T feel like you’re here.  It feels like you’re thousands of miles away, with no desire to be here.  I know in your heart that we matter, it just doesn’t feel that way.

I can’t figure it out.  I don’t know what I did wrong last time you came to make you not want to come back.  I know money isn’t a concern, otherwise you wouldn’t continually offer to buy the tickets for the three of us to fly North.  I know you can get your passport.  I’m SURE that Justin wouldn’t mind if you took a 3 or 4 day trip, and would STILL let you go to Vegas, so it’s not really that.  Is it the flying?  Or something that happened at the wedding?  Do you just never want to come here again?

You have no idea what you’re missing, mum.  He’s so amazing.  He’s so amazing, and you get to see fifteen minutes of it a week!  You haven’t gotten to hold him, and look into his amazing blue eyes.  You haven’t gotten to smell him after a bath.  You haven’t gotten to rock him to sleep, and feel his trust and love for you.  Mom, I want you to meet him so bad, and I hate that you don’t want it back.  I hate it, I hate it.  I want you to see how excited he is when he figures something out!  I want you to see your daughter with her son, and tell me I’m a good mom.  I want to sit and talk to you for hours and hours, and ignore the rest of the world.  I want my mom to want to be here.

I don’t know if you read my Xanga.  I don’t know when you’ll read this.  I hope it makes you cry, because I can’t stop crying about it.  I’m tired of pretending it’s okay with me… it’s not okay with me.

I love you.  I love you SO much.  I need you all the time.  You are so important to me, and matter so much in my life, and I want you here.  Everyone keeps telling me I should stop talking to you, and tell you that you wont get to see him until you come visit.  I don’t want that, I can’t just stop talking to you.  I can’t be mad at you.  I can’t hate you.  But there has to be some way to make this work.  Please, can we make it work?

 

I made this post private, as I didn’t want my mum to read it before I had a chance to talk to her or my dad.  However, it’s too important to me to just delete it, so now I’m making it public again.