I’m interviewing for an ultrasound position in a hospital where my hours will be three 12 hour shifts – Wednesday, and Sat/Sun.  The whole idea is that I wont have to put Ronan in daycare… I’ll be home with him all week, and Daddy will have him the days I work.

I’m so nervous.  I want to get the job, but I don’t want to go back to work.  We need the money, and this is so much more ideal than the job that I’m supposed to be going back to.

The problem is that they require me to train on first shift (Mon-Fri, 8-5) for at least a month, which means Ronan will need to be in some sort of care for that time.  I HATE that I’m going to miss him for a whole month of his life… a whole THIRD of his life, I’m not going to be there for him.  I have all of these guilty thoughts about him thinking I’ve abandoned him and him not wanting to nurse anymore when I get home.  I LOVE breastfeeding, and I don’t want to lose that because of a job.

I’m trying to find a nanny or care-giver that will come to our house.  Since it’s only for a month, I’m willing to spend the extra money to make sure Ronan is well taken care of.  I feel so sick to my stomach. 

I have a job interview tomorrow for a job I don’t want.  Wish me luck.